The average American backside is not the cleanest of places.  Please note that I am using Americans as an example because I am one (there are a few other countries around the world that this article will apply to as well) This isn’t so much the fault of Americans, but the fault of America as a whole to need to be different.  Much like football being called “soccer” and refusing to use the metric system, Americans have decided to stand alone in the “how to clean yourself properly after you poop” category.

For those of you sitting at home wondering what the hell I’m on about, I’m talking about the fact that most people in America use only toilet paper after they drop the kids off to the pool.  If you don’t understand why this is a bad thing, here is a little experiment you can try at home.

Right after the next heavy rain, head on outside and snatch up a few handfuls of the thickest mud that you can find.  Now, take the mud inside and smear it on the whitest wall that you can find.  Now clean it up.  Don’t use any water at all, just smear it off of there with your favourite brand of dual-ply toilet paper.  Now, how white is the wall?  Exactly.

Toilet paper can only do so much to clean your filthy balloon knot after you mess it all up after a hard night of drinking and one too many tacos.  You absolutely need water.  Upon visiting or moving to Thailand, you will quickly start to have a new appreciation for your squeaky clean brown eye and will never be able to envision yourself going back to the paper way again.

Sure, we still have toilet paper in Thailand, but it is used to pat yourself dry after you have given the old chocolate starfish a thorough pressure washing.

You see, America has the answer right there in front of them, they just are too set in their ways to do anything about it.  We have the same exact “bum guns” in America, they just are not in the toilet.  They are used as an accessory to the kitchen sink for spraying food off of your dirty dishes.  Surely if it will blast the grease off of bacon platter, it will work just fine for tidying up your Hershey hole.

The proper way to spray the bum gun all depends on your firing stance.  You can aim at the centre mass of the target, but some of the bum guns out there put off more pounds per square inch than a brand new air compressor and you may find yourself feeling like you are sandblasting rather than cleaning yourself.  Users should test the pressure of the water to avoid giving themselves water burn or an accidental enema.  After you know the water is not going to blow your o-ring out, you can continue by making slow sweeping passes to finish the cleaning process.

Pat dry with your favourite tissue paper and bada-bing, you will have the cleanest little dirt-star around.  Anyone that is able to go back to simply smearing their mess around and walking away after experiencing the joy and cleanliness of a bum gun is just destined to have a messy life.  Remember, a very old, very wise man once said: “Boy who go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with stinky finger!”

Are you a bum gun or a toilet paper type and why?  Let us know your thoughts.

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Adam Judd
Mr. Adam Judd is the Co-owner of TPN media since December 2017. He is originally from Washington D.C., America, but has also lived in Dallas, Sarasota, and Portsmouth. His background is in retail sales, HR, and operations management, and has written about news and Thailand for many years. He has lived in Pattaya for over eight years as a full-time resident, is well known locally and been visiting the country as a regular visitor for over a decade. His full contact information, including office contact information, can be found on our Contact Us page below. Stories please e-mail About Us: Contact Us: